Hard choices and hard consequences
by hunterintrenchcoat
Summary: AU: what if ghosts, demons and monsters were only in Castiel's mind? (WARNINGS inside, please read them.)


_**PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE**__: this story is really really heavy. It contains psychiatric stuff such as madness, hallucinations, shock treatment and lobotomy (none of them are described, just mentioned), injury, suicide, triggers and omicide/euthanasia. With this story, I do not intend to raise arguments over these subjects and I do not intend to express an opinion on them. It is just a story I wrote to release the tension after waking up from a bad sleep. If you are susceptible to any of those subject, please do not read. You have been warned. Since it's the first time I've ever published something like this, if you think this story breaks the guidelines or should be deleted for any reason, tell me so._

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**Day 1**

Castiel is definitely not happy to enter the place, but Dean insists on the fact that it's mostly for his own good (and Dean's too for some part, if the large bloody bandage around his forearm has anything to do with). Castiel is screaming and fighting against two huge men that are trailing him to the clinic and he's begging everyone they meet in the hallway to help him and stop them, stating that they are two demons who want to kill him. Dean tries his best to ignore him but it's hard, his cries seem to remain branded in his brain as he tries to focus on the little voice in his head that tells him that everything will be alright and they will find a way to resolve the situation.

**Day 2**

Dean doesn't really react when Castiel grabs him by the neck and slams him hard against the wall, he simply closes his eyes when Castiel screams in his face to leave him alone, he doesn't really move when two other huge men pull him away from his face. He keeps saying to himself that it's just temporary and things will be better soon. Castiel whimpers and writhes when he's attacked by the needle that spreads heavy sedative into his body and soon passes out.

**Day 8**

Castiel finally seems to have calmed down and got used to the clinic: the aggressiveness has gone, but his hallucination are still there. He keeps seeing ghosts, vampires and other monsters but now, when he sees them, he just runs away and doesn't attack anyone anymore. Dean timely arrives in the afternoon, like he always did in the past days, and doesn't mention the fact that he has prayed the entire morning that Castiel doesn't yell at him because he's really not going to make it today. Fortunately Castiel doesn't, but the bad part is that he really doesn't say anything, he doesn't even greet him when he arrives. Dean doesn't know which Castiel hurts him the most, the yelling one or the silent one.

**Day 13**

"Dean," the voice that comes out of his mouth is upset and he looks around like something is chasing him, "you have to bring me out from here. There's a demon who wants to kill me, I'm scared.". Dean sighs, sending another prayer to God to just make him stop with this bullshit, but he's really too tired to fight him right now. "Yeah, Cas, sure. I'll..." he rubs his eyes as he tries his best to stay calm, "I'll talk to the doctors and I'll see what we can do okay?". Castiel nods without looking at him, too busy scanning the place looking for whatever he thinks he's haunting him, and Dean is not surprised: it's been a long time since he last looked at him.

**Day 25**

Dean is desperate. Medicines keep failing and Castiel's condition hasn't changed in the last month, Dean really doesn't know what to do. The doctor in front of him is suggesting 'shock treatment' and the simple term has him jumping from the seat and yelling every kind of insult his mind can process to the doctor before he is forced to calm the fuck down if he doesn't want to be thrown out.

**Day 30**

Dean gave up to the 'shock treatment' solution. He's not happy of the decision but when he got a call from the clinic the night before and they told him that Castiel nearly attempted suicide during one of his crisis, he gave up. He just wanted him to get better, to be okay and home, to stay with him and never leave again. Castiel is the only thing he has left after losing everyone he loves. He doesn't want to lose him too.

**Day 44**

Castiel today seems dead, he's sitting on his bed and stares in front of him with a blank expression. Dean looks up at him and says something Castiel doesn't register; he can't understand if this is an effect of the treatment, if it's good or not, but the only thing he wants now is him to say something. Castiel remains still, thinking about nothing in particular; he can sense Dean's presence but he doesn't really want to look at him, he thinks it's not right to. In fact he feels strange, he would say he feels "guilty" if he wasn't so broken.

**Day 57**

It's late and Dean will soon have to leave. They are alone in the room and when Castiel hesitantly looks at him in the eyes, Dean almost loses it: it's been almost two months since he last did that and now having those blue beautiful yet broken eyes locked to his own makes him feel happy and awful at the same time. Castiel doesn't say anything, he simply lifts a hand and places it on Dean's cheek: the touch is unsure and uncertain, like he's doing that for the first time, but Dean doesn't seem to care. He leans in the touch, maybe too much because now Castiel is literally holding up his head, and rubs his skin again the hand. Castiel gets the gesture and begins to stroke him on his own and Dean really loses it. Big tears scroll down his face as his sobs fill the room. Castiel doesn't say anything.

**Day 63**

Nothing is working, not even the shock treatment is giving results. Dean is sitting in the doctor's office once again and he doesn't really pay attention to him anymore after he has suggested 'lobotomy'. He catches bits and pieces of his speech, something like 'the risk is really high', 'he might end up with brain damage' and every new information screws up his mind even more. He has a lot of questions without answers: how the hell they ended up like this, why the hell this shit had to happen to him after all he's been through, and a lot more. "Sir?" the doctor suddenly calls to him, waking him up, and Dean glances back at him, "Uhm, sorry, did you...did you hear what I was saying?". He weakly nods and the man quickly gets the situation, "I'll...give you some time...to think about it.". That evening Dean doesn't even dare eating or sleeping: he already has a decision, but he's wondering if it's the right one. He just wants his Castiel back.

**Day 75**

"Screw the fucking game!" Dean yells as all the chess pieces fly away, "Castiel, I'm so sick of this, okay? You have to wake the fuck up, you hear me? If you don't get better soon, God help me, they'll have to..." he stops when he realizes what's going to say and he has to calm down and breathe. He was yelling, angry and heavy, and Castiel is clearly hurt, his gaze laying on the pieces scattered around the floor. They remain silent, Dean lowers his gaze to his own hands resting on his lap as Castiel stands up to calmly pick up the objects on the floor. No one says anything until Dean is ready to leave, "I'm sorry." he hears Castiel whisper, it's so low and broken he can barely hear it and he swears to God he wants to die right there.

**Day 82**

This is the last day before the damn lobotomy and Dean is really close to kill himself. He doesn't care how, he just wants to die because if something goes wrong it will be all his fault. He feels like shit for having given permission to something like this but he had no choice. Not anymore. Castiel is sitting on his bed while Dean is sitting in front of him on the chair; he's holding his hands tight and he's trying really hard not to cry. Castiel seems to notice, because his hand is on his cheek again and he's gently stroking face with a look that Dean can't entirely read. He can't help himself as he leans forward and claims Castiel's lips with a desperation that makes himself cringe. Castiel hesitantly kisses him back, and it's not like the good old times but Dean doesn't give a shit at the moment, because he fears that it will probably be the first and last.

**Day 83**

Dean is sweating cold and his inner turmoil is not giving him a break. He keeps feeling like something's wrong and his anxiety is slowly killing him. He feels like a shit, for everything, for making something like that happen, for not having found a better way. He senses it's all going to be worse and he literally shivers at the thought as he tries hard, really hard, to be positive about all this. He feels like he's going to die right there, for pain and sorrow, and he begins to pray that something like that could really happen so he can have a break. He'd like to call Bobby, or Sam, or his father at some point, and when he remembers that they're not there anymore he cracks into pieces as he buries his face between his hands and cries.

**Day 84**

"We're terribly sorry." just like that. A simple apology and they leave as it could miraculously fix everything. The thing is: he knew the risks. Of course he knew, but he had his head so far up his ass he decided to take the risk anyway. Now he regrets it. He wished so much he could bring him back, he wished so much he could fix everything that he didn't stop thinking about it more. He should have left things like they were, it wasn't good for anyone, that's true, but it was _better_ than this. He was arrogant and selfish, that's all. And now it's all his fault.

**Day 91**

He hasn't had the courage to see him for an entire week but today he can't hold it anymore. He wants to see him but he's scared, he's scared of what he's going to see. The sight is rather disturbing and his whole body screams in agony when he sees him: Castiel looks devastated, his right hand shakes convulsively and the whole left arm is paralyzed. Brain damage, they say. When he sees Dean, he tilts his head to the right and then to the left, stares at him and winces his eyes like he's trying to remember who the person in front of him is. "D-Dean?" he stutters after what seems like an eternity and he lifts his hand weakly towards the man. Deep inside himself, Dean wants to scream and run away, because that is the result of his own egoism, that is what he has done. A sense of desperation and helplessness hit him hard in the stomach when he grabs Castiel's hand and feels the spasms that run under the skin.

**Day 100**

Dean has rarely visited Castiel in the past days, mostly because every time he sees him, the urge to jump out of the window and crash into one of the cars parked outside increases. Castiel still has difficulties in remember and recognize people and things and by now he can't even do normal things like eating on his own. "Cas, it's Dean." he says, trying to sound normal as his voice suddenly breaks, "don't you remember?". Castiel winces his eyes again, studies him for a while, before his gaze returns to the book in his right hand as he tries to read, even if he can't anymore.

**Day 107**

Castiel is crying. He's been crying since the morning and he hasn't stopped yet. Dean just stares at his own hands and he doesn't know what to do anymore; he wants to hug him and hold him tight, but the last time he has done something like that Castiel has cried out in fear since he couldn't remember who he was. "D-Dean." Castiel calls between sobs and cries and Dean sends a silent thank to God that at least today he remembers him, "I want...h-home...g-go home. C-can...g-go?". Dean stares intensely at him, registers his desperate gaze and now he knows what he has to do.

**Day 108**

Dean somehow manages to sneak into the clinic and reach Castiel's room without being discovered; he prays he will recognize him or all his plan will go fuck itself. Castiel is awake and something in his eyes makes Dean think for a moment that he was waiting for him, but he highly refuses the idea because it's very unlikely. He places a finger on his lips as he sees him open his mouth to say something, praying that he would not freak out or something; Castiel speaks anyway, but it's low enough not to be discovered, "G-go...home?" he asks and the glint of hope in his eyes added to the fact that he recognized him makes Dean's heart crash into pieces. "Yes, my love. We're going home." he says carefully caressing his cheek, eyes burning as he pulls out a syringe from the inside of his jacket. Castiel suspiciously looks at him but quickly gets the idea as he relaxes back on his bed and stares at Dean who gives two taps at the syringe and squeezes it a bit. "Listen up," he says, his voice broken, "It will hurt just a little bit but I'm here now and everything will be fine, okay?". Castiel firmly nods and he feels like he should say something but he can't remember what it is. Dean sniffs and wipes a tear of his eye before it can escape, he leans forward and gently kisses his lover, whispering a trail of "I love you" as he peppers all his face with soft kisses. "L-love y-you...too." Castiel finally says as he remembers and realizes it's what he was supposed to say. He smiles weakly and Dean completely loses it, silent tears rolling down his cheeks as he presses the needle against Castiel's forearm and empties the syringe. Castiel whimpers and pulls back a bit before relaxing when Dean whispers "It's okay. I'm here. I'm not gonna leave you." and scatters the thing away. He lays down on the bed next to him, holding Castiel tight and kissing his forehead as he pays attention to his heartbeat. A second syringe is still packed up in his jacket but he refuses to pull it out now, because he wants to be strong and lucid for the moment, he wants to hold Castiel and whisper him that it's alright and he loves him, he always did and always will do, before he will suffer the same end. And that's exactly what he does.

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_Please don't be angry at me, I know it's really heavy and sad but you have been warned. Anyway listen, I have a bonus chapter in my mind but I still don't know if I want to leave the story like this or not, so I'll let you decide. If you'd like to read it, send me a PM or leave a review and I'll be more than happy to please you!_


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